It’s official: we are fornicating our way out of recession. A sudden increase in the fertility of British mums has pushed the population of the UK to over 61 million. Three quarters of a million new babies were born last year, leading to the biggest overall increase in population since 1962. Mothercare shares are booming; there’s a national shortage of baby buggies.
Even Scotland’s anaemic population is on the rise - though by less than south of the border - confounding recent forecasts that Scots were dying out. So, forget car scrappage schemes, fiscal stimuli and falling (or rising) house prices. The future of he economy lies in the bedroom, not the boardroom. That’s where a new generation of consumers is being conceived, ready to look after us in our old age. “Randy couples” as the Sun described them, are bonking for Britain.
But the most important thing politically about the baby boom is that this is the first rise in population in recent years that has NOT been caused immigration. In fact, net migration to Britain is down 44% as all those Polish plumbers have gone home because of the housing slump. It’s an astonishing reversal on previous years when the booming economy was sucking in migrants from Europe at such a rate that Britain was gaining the equivalent of Birmingham ever four years.
Groups like MigrationWatch the BNP and, er, the Prime Minister Gordon Brown, had been calling for “British jobs for British workers” and British homes for British layabouts. Well they don’t need to bother because the foreigners are all going home. Now there aren’t any jobs for anyone anymore, and no one can afford a house.
But the fall in immigration has somehow escaped the attention of the Daily Mail which managed to report the massive outpouring of EU migrants as as “Migrant Britain’s Bursting At Seams”. Eh? How so? Well, because, it seems, foreign born mothers are even more fertile than British mothers, producing 2.51 sprogs per womb compared to our 1.86. 56% of the increase in the number British babies last year was from foreign born mothers.
They’re breeding us out of house and home! Dusky foreigners bed-blocking the maternity wards of Briain. Alien wombs spitting out bratts like pips from a pomegranate. Something must be done to stop this plot to dilute the British gene pool! British mothers must increase their maternal productivity rates or our race is doomed.
We need a national sex drive to beat the slump in indigenous pregnancies. Government agents should be sent round men’s toilets sabotaging Durex machines. Pharmaceutical companies will be required to replace birth control pills with placebos. A new national pornography channel NPC could be started to get us all in the mood.
Alternatively we could all just calm down. This is a socio-economic phenomenon and more about recession than race. The same thing happened in the recessions in he 1970s and 1990s which also saw baby booms. Women’s job opportunities fall so many decide to have that baby they have been putting off for the sake of their careers - the big increase in fertility has been among women in their thirties. Also, when we stop shopping we start f@@king. Because the best things in life are free, after all