The McChattering Classes is me!

At last it can be revealed: the name of the evil nationalist genius who leads the “McChattering classes” as demonised by the Labour minister David Cairns. For, dear reader, I can reveal that the McChatterer is...myself.

Yes, I was outed by Mr Cairns during exchanges last week in the House of Commons. When asked whom he had been referring to when he came up with the phrase “The McChattering classes” to describe people obsessed by debate about more powers for Holyrood, Mr Cairns said.

2/4/08 “Actually, I had in mind the people who write opinion columns in the Sunday Herald.... In fact, the newspapers could save money on those who write those columns. They could send an office boy around to St. Andrews house to collect press releases rather than have Ian McWhirter write them.”

Ooooh! Scratch your eyes out and use them for earings, ducky!

Now, normally, this column is devoted to spoof pieces and satirical commentary, but I can assure you that this is genuine - look it up - even though the Hansard scribes spelled my name wrongly. Being mentioned in parliament is a great honour, of course, though somehow I don’t think my name is ever going to appear in any Labour honours list. Well, I couldn’t afford the bribe.

But what a boost to the ego! Being libelled by ministers in Hansard. As you know we columnists are driven by vanity and this is clearly my biggest puff since, well, since a cabal of Labour Lords led by Lord Ffoulks and Lord Maxton lobbied the Director General of the BBC, Mark Thompson, to get me sacked from presenting BBC programmes in 2005. ( I still have the letters).

But look, I might as well come clean and admit that I am indeed a one-man conspiracy who has turned Scotland against its rightful party of government - Labour. Had it not been for my fixing the ballot papers, the SNP would never have won the May election. Labour’s dismal performance in office had nothing to do with it.

My evil work continues, hypnotising the Scots with occult constitutional theories. I have Wendy Alexander under my spell too, which is why she is McChattering about more powers for Holyrood. I personally brainwashed Scottish voters into telling today's TNS System Three poll that they supported independence.

Without the McChatterer-in-chief none of this would have been possible. It’s all about me, me, me - you understand! The fact that I’m not actually a nationalist and that the only political party I was ever a member of was Labour has absolutely nothing to do with it. Now - must dash to St Andrews House to see if my next SNP press release is ready.