Call Johnathan Ross

Brrng Brrrng Hi this is Johnathan Ross but I’m out so please leave a message...

Hey Woss! Your wife is a fat slag with a mental condition and I’ve had sex with your daughters. Don’t worry, mate. Only a joke. Like your wife Jane - with her big boobs and orange hair. Talk about scary. Do you only let her out at Halloween? Ha ha No wonder she presents that programme on Living TV about the paranormal - she just needs to investigate herself. Just a laugh mate, no hard feelings. And what were you doing calling your daugher “Betty Kitten”. That mean she’s a pussy? Can I come and stroke her? Don’t worry, mate, this is just edgy groundbreaking comedy, like from your own shows.

So, Wossy, you’ve been suspended from the BBC because of that call to Andrew Sachs where you talked about soaking him in gin and then, er, pleasuring him. Bit of ‘Manuel relief’ you might say. Maybe we could come and do that to Jane? Better cut out the gin though given her spell at the Priory rehab clinic. No wonder being married to you - enough to give anyone a breakdown. Oh and Wossy, is she still going out with that bloke from the Barenaked Ladies. Takes one to know one. Ha Ha Ha. Oh, by the way - don’t mind if we broadcast this do you?

Wonder how Johnathan Ross would have reacted if he’d found that - all based on fact by the way - on his answerphone? Would he have laughed it off, or would he have gone all boring and unfunny and complained about invasion of privacy? Is it all that different from phoning up 78 year old Andrew Sachs and saying that you’ve f....d his daughter and want to break into his house? I suppose it’s the way you tell them.

Seriously though, it’s difficult to know what’s funny nowadays. Ross often makes jokes about his wife’s ample physique - he even asked Susannah Constantine on his show if he could feel her breasts to see if they were bigger than Jane’s. Then there's that joke from Mock the Week about the Queen's pussy being so old it was haunted that's caused the latest row. Can pussies be haunted?

As for the Sachs case, there was just a hint of hypocrisy in the nation’s press leaping to defend the honour of Georgina Baillie - a stripper with a troupe called The Satanic Sluts Xtreme who according to her website do: “violent, horrific and sexy burlesque shows”. Clerly a lady of impeccable virtue who needs protected from smackhead scum like Russell Brand.

No you couldn’t make it up. Tell you what the real joke is though : Mark Thompson. How could a glove puppet become Director General of the BBC?