Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Santa is credit crunched

Brring, briing. Hello. Is that Mr Cringle? Mr Chris Cringle? Royal Bank of Lapland here. I was wondering if I could talk to your about your business expansion account. Yes. We're downsizing your overdraft facility.... Well, to zero actually....Sorry, but we at RBL Corporate believe this is the best way to help your business at this time....Yes, shut it down..... It will involve some readjustment of course.

You see the problem is that your business model no longer fits with our lending policy. For a start you are giving away all those presents for nothing. No revenue stream, you see, not viable going forward.....Yes, I know we used to fund internet start ups with no tangible revenues either but times have changed.....But when we gave you two mil last year that was when we were throwing money away and we're not allowed to do that anymore because we're nationalised now and the government says we have to lend more money to business..... Yes, but not to you.......

Well, I'm sorry Mr Clause but see it our way. You're basically sub prime and we are no longer in the business if handing large sums of money to Ninjas. No, sorry I know your not into martial arts. I meant No Job, No Income and No Assets....What can you do about it? Well you could mortgage the reindeer I suppose, and turn your workshps iinto a theme park, but that would take cash, and we aren't giving you any.

Perhaps you could start charging for your presents.....Hmm, Don't believe in money, eh?. Well you could put bar code on each stocking and get them to pay on credit. Or perhaps start issuing a Santa Card. What a brilliant idea. We could give you lots of advice on how to set one up. You hook people with zero interest upfront and then allow them to pay a minimum each month while you rack up eye watering charges on the balance so the poor suckers get trapped in debt for the rest of their lives...... Oh really? Not what you had in mind? Season of Goodwill, you say. Can't you monetize the goodwill? Our accountants always add a 10 per cent goodwill premium to our end year capitalisation...

.. Well, really if that is your attitude...I don't see what you are getting so worked up about.. this is standard banking practice in a recession. How would we pay our bonuses if we didn't screw people?...... I'm sorry but we are going to have to cut you loose Mr Cringle. You simply aren't a good business risk. Then in two years when your share price collapses we'll buy you out for pennies. Happy Christmas.

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