Sunday, October 04, 2009

That televised leaders debate in full

Hello good evening and welcome. I’m David Frost, and this is the first ever live debate by the British party leaders, Gordon Brown, David Cameron, Nick Clegg and - through a video link from Glasgow, Alex Slalom of the SNP Green party. First Question, to Gordon Brown, why did you reject the advice of the State Department and decide to bomb Cambodia.

Gordon Brown: Er. I uh think uh you mean why did we go war in Afghanistan. Well, uh, David. A man’s gotta do eh what a man’s got to do. Tony had his war and I, uh, had to have mine.

David Cameron: Look, could I possibly get a work in edgewise here David. Look, everyone knows that only the Conservatives can be relied upon to wage war on small countries. We just do these things so much better - like the Falklands.

DF All right,gentlemen. But what of the Liberal Party? What can they bring to the table of British politics in this crucial general election?

Nick Clegg. Well, David, the Liberal Democrats are the only party in this election standing for true and deep values. Values that have stood the test of time. Values that are as broad as they are deep. Values that chime with the great broad beating heart of Britain.

DF: I’m awfully sorry, but who exactly are you? Where’s David Steel? Where is the leader of the Liberal Party?

NC Lord Steel has moved on to better and higher things.

DF What you mean you got rid of him?

DC No, he hasn’t been leader since 1988.

DF Viewers will be deeply shocked to hear that,. But time to move on. Where is that Albert Salmon? Is Mr Salmon there? Hello, hello. London calling Glasgow. Please come in. This is London calling Glasgow, Mr,,

Alex Salmond: Eeh thank you David. I was wondering when I might be allowed to put a point.

DF Briefly if you please - we haven’t got all night.

AS (chuckle) Well if you’d let me finish. I think the question the people of Scotland want answered is when will we be allowed compassionate release from the United Kingdom, which is in a terminal condition and has only months to live.

GB Point of order, uh, Mr Speaker, er David. I will not take any lectures uh from a man who has released the greatest mass murderer in British history into the arms of Gadaffi when that is exactly what we were going to do ourselves.

DF David Cameron, would you do a deal with the SNP , or would you accept the will of the Scots in a referendum

DC Look David, I’m not going to indulge in idle speculation.

DF No you certainly aren’t because the clock has beaten us once again. So from me David Frost it’s good bye until the next time we go Through The Keyhole...


Anonymous said...

Ho ho ho. Very good.

voiceofourown said...

"...when will we be allowed compassionate release from the United Kingdom, which is in a terminal condition and has only months to live."

I wish I'd said that! (and I might yet).

Anonymous said...

Very clever Iain... I enjoyed that.

Andrew BOD said...


Very good.

Only trouble is, Albert Salmon won't be invited to take part. Do you have a view on this?