Brash music. Stars. A giant X falls from the sky to land in the Palace of Westminster as Big Ben bongs with X replacing the clock face. Cut to stage built like a huge ballot box with audience going wild, half holding huge red pencils and half blue ones. Dancers with big rosettes and bull horns do complex routine to rap version of “Climb Every Mountain”.
Dermot O'Leary: “Good Evening and welcome to the “Election Factor” your chance to decide the outcome of the 2010 general election. Tonight the future of the nation is in your hands. After country-wide auditions literally thousands of politicians have had their chance to live the dream. But now comes the big test. The pressure is on and there's nowhere left to hide.
Please welcome the Election Factor judges: Alistair Campbell, Jeremy Clarkson, Polly Toynbee and Simon Cowell”.
(Mastermind music thumps in as judges stand to attention to deafening applause)
Dermot: “And quiet now, please for our first contestant. He's the new kid on the block, after an amazing debut in the Westminster heats, with that great standard, It's Time For A Change, here he is. The Peoples Toff: David Cameron.”
( Lachrymose Tory leader nails the first big number of the night, ending his speech with a back-flip.)
Alistair Campbell: “Oh, is it over yet? I thought it was bollocks quite frankly, usual dirge. Posh git. Out of his depth”.
Jeremy Clarkson: “Well give him his due, he isn't Gordon Brown. If you have to have a politician in politics, you could do worse. But then again, you could do better.”
Polly Toynbee: “Total mistake by whoever gave him that material about inheritance tax and throwing everyone out of work. And where is the backing? Really, we've heard all this before and the public just aren't interested”.
Simon Cowell: “You know David. I had my doubts about you from the start, but I think you have really started to come good. You're likeable, you look good and you are singing my song. You deserve to go all the way to the top”.
Dermot. “Whahey the lad! David - what did you think of all that?”
David Cameron (burst into tears) “I'm just so grateful to Simon for letting me have this chance. It means the world to me and I want to thank my mother, the Queen, the Bullingdon Club and all the voters who've given me the chance to live my dream.”
Dermod: “So, ladies and genlmn. How can you top that? Well, don't go away, because - I can hardly believe it myself - here, live on the Election Factor stage, one of the greatest figures in modern British politics. Eleven years as Chancellor, three as Prime Minister. Five general elections, eight cabinet positions, total votes since entering politics: 120,000. Let's hear a great Election Factor welcome to.... The Right Honourable.... Gordon....Brown.
Boos echo around hall drowned by massive orchestral introuction as GB delivers off-key rendition of “Give Me One More Chance (To Show I Really Care).
AC: “Look, I've always liked you, Gordon, but tonight I think you have lost the plot. I can't see the public buying this one, quite frankly.”
JC: “Like a clapped out Ford Mondeo, it's the scrappage scheme for you my Scotch friend. Hoots mon the noo!”
PT: “It just didn't work for me Gordon. I used to be your greatest fan but somehow, I can't bring myself to vote. I'm sending you home.”
SC: “Hold on a minute guys. This is a talent contest and what you can't deny is that he's got it in him. Look Gordon, here's what I'm prepared to do. If you work for me, I'll work for you. One more chance. Ok mate? Dermot. “Well Gordon. ~What about that Some pretty tough old messages there me old mate. What've you got left to say to the nation as they prepare to cast their final vote”. Gordon Brown: “Well, Dermot, uh, I'm just so grateful to Simon, er or should I say Lord Cowell, uh, for giving me this chance to show the people at home what I can do. I've given it everything. It's my best shot. What you see is what you get. But at the end of the day, uh, it's the people who make the choice”.
Dermot. “That's dead right, mate”
(audence silenced, lights dim, roll of distant thunder)
Dermot, solemnly: “So what's it to be voters of Britain: Gordon Brown or David Cameron. It's time for the big decision. They say that every political career ends in tears, so whose career is going to end tonight. Who is going home and who is going to Downing Street...
“..And the winner of the Election Factor 2010 is...”
(Endless pause for effect during which several several audience members die of old age)