Prison overcrowding? Too many offenders to know what to do with? Criminals clogging up the courts? Fear not, for help is at hand. Just call in the Electoral Commission - the people who make crime disappear.
Charlie Gordon (his real name) was a serial offender, addicted to secret donations. He'd fallen in with a bad crowd in Glasgow politics and ended in a tight spot with his property developer friends. But last week he was released into the community, a free man. Able to look the world in the eye once more. A credit to himself and his party.
"If it hadn't been for Electoral Commission, they'd have thrown away the key", said Charlie. "I just can't believe it. I admitted a breach of the law and resigned my shadow cabinet post, but now I’m off Scot-free. I’m over the moon".
Wendy Alexander had form as long as your arm. Schemes like the Scottish Industry Forum netted her thousands of pounds to feed her addiction to politics. It looked like the law had finally caught up with Wendy over an illegal donation from a tax exile. Until she called in the Electoral Commission.
Now she too is back in the community hoping to start a new life as leader of the Scottish Labour Party. "I owe everything to the Electoral Commission" she says tearfully." Now I can now raise as many dodgy donations as I wish with total security"
If the Electoral Commission can do this for hardened cases like these, just think what it could do for you! Breaches of the law simply vanish. Prosecutions disappear. Kills 99 percent of nationalists stone dead.
So, how does the Electoral Commission work? How does it turn breaches of the law into simple administrative mistakes? This is because of its secret ingredient: discretion. Other crime-solving agents, like Procurator Fiscal, have to go through a laborious and time-consuming procedure called the justice system.
Electoral Commission cuts through all that by removing the legal middlemen and handing ex post facto justifications for politicians who fail to obey the laws of the land. It is guaranteed to find most politicians innocent.
But be warned. If you don't have the Electoral Commission on your side you could be at risk.
Poor Tommy Sheridan didn't have cover from the Electoral Commission. He and his wife Gail have been arrested charged and humiliated because they allegedly broke the law of perjury.
If only they'd had the help of the Electoral Commission, they too might have been found to be guilty of no intentional wrongdoing. That they had taken significant steps to tell the truth and that there was no case to answer. They could be walking tall again.
So remember. Don't accept inferior brands. Electoral Commission washes whiter